It's around 6 or 7 of 10, where 10 is the worst I had yet. I am sure there is more and others have to endure worse, but when I am down, this is enough because I have no idea how and when I will come out of it. I don't need more to test my limits, they are already broken.
These times, the loneliness of my mind closes on me physically. That damned toilet gets so far away. I went upstairs at 4.30, the normal routine but I could not lay on my back for the full breathing exercise, had to stop it in the middle. I better lay on my side and watch something.
News are empty, YouTube is hollow, LinkedIn is disappointing. The algorithms know me. I built my idea bubble (a multi-dimensional cluster in those systems) that of chatbot AI and economy critics but they all prefer to complain and enlighten others to understanding core problems and deal with them. I found Remarkably Bright Creatures on Netflix, just as bad choice as the Bucket List was the last time.
I don't know why I write in English? Perhaps it gives me a bigger room to be alone. I feel like a candle in total darkness that sucks all the light and warmth that I still find in myself after 53 apparently wasted years. At least I don't want to see reflection on the walls nearby. I need the illusion that they go very far into the darkness of space and time where I can't follow. At least I don't get ignorance and hollow reactions if I can't have conscious response and meaningful collaboration.
There are better names for "needed illusion" or "motivated reasoning" that I always follow, fully aware of all previous failures. I can also call this faith and free will. I have spent my whole life on one mission: the process of understanding the process of understanding. This is one of the personal consequences. I live in the same world as anybody else, but I decided to keep my freedom to name things. I spent a lot of time learning from late masters, wisdom instead of smartness. Faith. That is a strong word. Must leave it for next time, I am tired now.
